People in a relationship may differ in how much sex they want. Mismatched sex drives are common but may cause a strain in a relationship if the couple does not learn to manage their differences. There are many factors that can cause this, including medication, hormones, and stress.

You and your partner probably have a lot in common. Or if you’re not partnered, you likely seek common traits in a prospective mate. Whether it’s a love of tramping, camping, or rock concerts, these commonalities help keep you close as a couple.

So, what happens if your sex drives don’t sync?

It’s common for couples to have mismatched sexual drives, especially as their relationship matures. It’s possible that one partner wants sex constantly. The other might not be as interested.

Does that mean there is a problem with the relationship?

Not always. Some people are wired to have higher sex drives than others. And that’s okay – until a mismatch happens. Partners who want more sex may take their partner’s rejection personally and feel frustrated and angry. Partners who don’t want sex may feel guilty about disappointing their partner or annoyed and pressured if they are constantly approached about sex.

If you find yourself in this situation, first consider whether one partner’s libido has changed over time.

Medical Problems

Sometimes, a medical issue causes sex drive to drop:

Hormones. Sexual desire is driven largely by hormones, and hormone production – for both men and women – changes over time. As men get older, their bodies start making less testosterone, and some find themselves less interested in sex. A woman’s libido may also decline during and after menopause when her estrogen levels drop.

Medications. Some medications, like antidepressants, have sexual side effects that can include a dip in sex drive.

Relationship problems

When people are hurt or angry with each other, they can feel less inclined to have sex. Working out the conflict with a trained counsellor or therapist can help couples better communicate with each other and decide on their goals, including sexual goals.

Making Compromises

Sometimes, mismatched libidos have nothing to do with hormones or relationships. Some people are just more sexual than others.

Understanding this is the key to compromising. With that clear, couples can talk together about meeting each other in the middle.

Here are 10 tips to bring back the passion in your marriage:

  1. Change your pattern of initiating sex

Maybe you are denying your partner or coming on too strong. Avoid criticizing each other and stop the “blame game.” Mix things up to end the power struggle. For example, distancers may want to practice initiating sex more often and pursuers try to find ways to tell their partner “you’re sexy,” in subtle ways while avoiding critique and demands for closeness.

2. Hold hands more often

Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin causing a calming sensation. Studies show it’s also released during sexual orgasm. Additionally, physical affection reduces stress hormones – lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

3. Allow tension to build

Our brains experience more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward goes on for some time before we receive it. So take your time during foreplay, share fantasies, change locations, and make sex more romantic.

4. Separate sexual intimacy from routine

Plan intimacy time and avoid talking about relationship problems and household chores in the bedroom. Sexual arousal plummets when we’re distracted and stressed.

5. Carve out time to spend with your partner

Try a variety of activities that bring you both pleasure. Have fun dating and practice flirting as a way to ignite sexual desire and intimacy. Everything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay.

6. Focus on affectionate touch

Offer to give your partner a back or shoulder rub. People associate foreplay with sexual intercourse, but affectionate touch is a powerful way to demonstrate and rekindle passion even if you are not a touchy-feely person.

7. Practice being more emotionally vulnerable during sex

Share your innermost wishes, fantasies, and desires with your partner. If you fear emotional intimacy, consider engaging in individual or couple’s therapy.

8. Maintain a sense of curiosity about sexual intimacy

Experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other. Look at sex as an opportunity to get to know your partner better over time.

9. Vary the kind of sex you have

Have gentle, loving-tender, intimate, and highly erotic sex. Break up the routine and try new things as sexual needs change.

10. Make sex a priority

Set the mood for intimacy before TV or work dulls your passion. A light meal along with your favourite music and wine can set the stage for great sex.

Even if you are not a touchy-feely person, increasing physical affection and emotional attunement can help you to sustain a deep, meaningful bond.

The good news is that allowing your partner to influence you can reignite the spark you once enjoyed.

The first thing to realise about being in a long-term relationship is that it waxes and wanes. What you feel in the beginning is impossible to sustain. If you understand this concept it will lessen the pressure to feel deeply in love all of the time.

Learning how to rekindle a relationship is not easy – it takes time and effort to create and sustain a supportive and healthy relationship and even more time if you’re faced with fixing a broken relationship. But with time and patience, you can rebuild trust and deeply connect with your partner.

A fetish can be defined as anything that triggers feelings of sexual desire in a person that is usually nonsexual. A fetish is when something completely ordinary brings you great pleasure and fulfilment sexually. As well as having a fetish for something (like feet), you can also have a fetish for a place (such as sex in public); or you might have a fetish for a texture, such as latex. Defining fetishes as those that are outside the norms doesn’t mean every out-of-the-box sexual desire can be termed a fetish. I believe there is a line separating something that is a fetish from something that is just kind of fun. As a true fetish, there must be an associated sex act that triggers your desire for the object or act. For example, if you enjoy getting spanked occasionally or even regularly, that does not mean you have an actual spanking fetish, which is the act of dominating that gets a person off.

Why do we have these sexual kinks and quirks? “Fetishes are generally thought to be learned behaviours where a person associates a certain object with sexual arousal through experience,” Your fetish may have been formed in childhood or adolescence, or you may have discovered it as an adult. I always urge people to be curious and to try new things because they don’t know if they’re into them until they try them.”

Bringing up your sexual fetishes with a new partner can be tricky, partly because of a general misunderstanding of fetishes. Our own fetishes can cause us to feel shame because we don’t understand them. However, there’s no need to feel shame. First of all, you don’t choose your fetish. Second, they’re extremely common.


Unlike other words, fetish has a long and distinguished history. “Feitico” comes from the Portuguese word meaning obsession. A fetish is today considered a recurring fantasy, desire, or behaviour that is sexually compelling and lasts at least six months. There are various types of fetishes, from sexually manifested to non-sexually manifested. In simple terms, sexual fetishes are just a type of paraphilia, or atypical behaviour, which includes non-traditional activities such as cross-dressing and dominance.


Is My Fetish Normal?


The notion that certain sexual preferences and desires are ‘abnormal’ is controversial because what is considered “normal” differs across cultures and changes over time; there is no agreed-upon definition as to what constitutes paraphilia.


Despite the prevalence of certain fetishes, human sexuality is highly individualized: Almost anything can be a fetish: feet, fur coats, diapers, pee, bugs, menstrual blood, mythical creatures like unicorns and dragons, bicycles, bondage, watching or being watched during sex, and more. Having sexual interests is a normal part of you!



Sex toys can be a great way to ensure that all parties are having fun during sex. From finding new erogenous zones to learning how to reach orgasm, vibrators can enhance intimacy with your partner. Everyone has different needs and desires, and sex toys can be a great way to make sure everyone can finish. However, bringing up this subject can be difficult, as we don’t want to invalidate our partner’s feelings by suggesting that they aren’t enough to satisfy our needs. There is a misconception that vibrators are for solo use, or can only be used by one party during sex. This also means that it can be difficult to bring this up with a partner, especially if you haven’t had that conversation before. When a couple has good communication skills and can ask for what they want and need during sex play, then the use of dildos and vibrators as well as other sexual paraphernalia is just another way to increase pleasure. A lot of people are also too scared to ‘rock the boat’ and change from vanilla sex, but opening up this conversation is going to make it a lot easier for you and your partner to understand each other, and therefore have more enjoyable sex.

How to go from wanting to introduce toys into your relationship to actually, introducing sex toys into your relationship remains the question. Below are a few handy tips to help you broach the topic.

Is your timing right – set aside time outside of sex for a conversation about bringing toys into your play. There is no optimal time frame in a relationship to talk about sex toys. Months or even years down the road, once you’ve started having more open and regular conversations about your sexual wants and needs, you can raise the topic.


You might also try saying, ‘I’d love for us to look at toys together to enhance the sensations for the both of us.’ Or, ‘I love when we have sex and I think it might be fun to try something different together’

Or, if you’re interested in using something like a vibrating cock ring or vibrating harness, you could say ‘I’d love to try something you can wear.’ Again, make it clear that it’s not about replacing your partner, but experiencing something new together.

You need to know that what you’re proposing is totally normal—and not a big deal. It’s completely normal to want to add sex toys into the bedroom, to want to experiment with someone you trust and/or love, or even to need a vibrator to reach orgasm,

If you are both on the same page go shopping together, whether it’s online or a physical shop. Once you become accustomed to looking at different sex toys together it will be a lot of fun too!


The benefits of sex toys.

Every relationship is VERY different. Sex aids make it easier for everyone to have the best experience possible, using vibrators, dildo’s and butt plugs in your relationship can help you have more enjoyable sex and quicker and more intense orgasms but also help to foster a more intimate relationship. They can also be used solo (even when you are in a relationship) eg. if you’re long-distance, or maybe your partner just likes to watch you get off. Sex toys shouldn’t be considered a replacement for human contact, but as a way to help people learn more about their bodies and what feels good. Overall, they can be a catalyst to growing sexually and allow you to have a more enjoyable time. It’s been proven that orgasms relieve stress and boost your mood, and toys are just another way to achieve.


When talking about safe sex, there are two main points that come to mind. Protecting yourself against sexually transmitted diseases (STI’s), and preventing an unwanted pregnancy. However, there are many other factors that fall into the ‘Safe Sex’ spectrum that are often overlooked, like consent, communication, and aftercare. Sex is a very normal and important part of life, but there are certain things you need to ensure that you are aware of.


Consent is unequivocally the most important part of sex. If you don’t have two consenting adults, then no sexual activity should be occurring. Many people shy away from frequently checking in with their partner, thinking that it ‘ruins the mood’. In reality, that is absolutely false and you need to be communicating with your partner throughout the whole process. Asking for consent can actually help strengthen the bond between two people, and show that you are being thoughtful of their boundaries. Sex is supposed to be a pleasurable act for both parties, and you should want to make sure that your partner is comfortable with everything that is happening. Another important point to mention is that consent once does not equal consent always. Someone can consent to sex at one point in time, but this does not mean that you get a free pass to have sex whenever you want, even if you are in a relationship with this person. If you feel a bit awkward bringing up that conversation, here are a few tips to get you started. Asking simple questions like ‘Are you okay with this?’ or ‘Do you want me to do _____?’ are a great way to discover what your partner is comfortable with. If your partner says yes and seems enthusiastic, then you have consent. If your partner says nothing or says yes but seems unsure, then you don’t have consent. In many relationships (especially if they are new) a sexual partner may say yes to something even if they are not comfortable with it. It is your job to make sure that they are okay with everything that is happening, and stop immediately if they don’t seem into it. 


Communicating with your partner and having boundaries is a very important part of any relationship, especially around sex. It is a really good idea to have a conversation about what you’re comfortable with before engaging in those ‘sexy times’. Sitting down with your partner and laying out what you are okay with is a great way to ensure that you both enjoy yourselves. Likewise, it is important that you also listen to your partner’s wants and needs so that they can also be satisfied. Sexual compatibility is a big factor in most relationships, so it’s wise to have that conversation before the relationship progresses too far. If you have specific things that you enjoy doing, then make sure that you communicate them to your partner. They should be willing to accommodate those, as your pleasure is as important as theirs. When talking about fetishes, it is also important to mention that you might have differing opinions to your partner. You might be really into something that your partner is not comfortable doing. In this situation, you should not pressure them into it, or coerce them in any way. They might be willing to try it for you, but they are not obligated to do anything that they don’t want to. This is why it is really important to have a conversation about these sorts of things before getting too serious. Good communication is one of the main foundations to a healthy sex life with your partner.


Aftercare is another really important aspect of sex. It is a term normally used for more intense sexual activities, such as BDSM, but should be practiced after all types of sex. The word ‘aftercare’ just refers to the care that is taken after sex. This can be things like cleaning up your partner, cuddling with them, talking, etc. Normally this is just thought of as ‘the things you do after sex’, but they are actually incredibly important in strengthening the relationship between you and your partner. Studies have shown that people that participate in regular aftercare have developed closer bonds and more intimate relationships. After sex, you are at your most vulnerable. The brain is full of dopamine and endorphins, and it’s the perfect time to get deep and personal with your partner. Even if this person is a one-night stand or a ‘friends with benefits’, it’s still important to engage in aftercare. The aim of aftercare is not to make them fall in love with you or make a casual relationship something more serious, but to make your partner feel like you respect them and care about how they feel. Sex is a very emotional activity (which is why some people cry during sex!) and it’s important to take the time to care for your partner afterward. 


Sex is a very normal part of life, regardless of what you might have been told growing up. However, there is a lot of responsibility that comes with sex, like making sure your partner is comfortable and having as much fun as you are. When done right, sex will bring you and your partner together and result in a stronger bond. Making sure that you are aware of your partner’s needs and desires is the key to a great relationship, no matter how serious it is. 


Inadequate lubrication is the most common cause of painful sex! A person can be aroused even if they aren’t wet. (This is known as arousal non-concordance.)

Likewise, natural lubricant can occur in the absence of arousal.
Using lubricant during any type of play – partnered or otherwise – helps protect your sensitive bits from irritation and infection that can occur with friction.

Using lube can make it 50% easier to orgasm for everyone. Fooling around with a partner or just by yourself, lube is great for pretty much all sexual activities.
It’s also great when trying new things which may require a bit more of a warm-up or if your body doesn’t quite produce enough lubrication itself.

Using lube is no different to mixing up positions; it doesn’t have to be used each time but when it is, the result can be very pleasurable.

Look for lubricant absent of sugars, dyes, and flavoring, as they can also be irritating.

My personal favourite is @bonklubenz water based and certified organic

DISCLAIMER: there may be other causes of painful sex- so please see your doctor If you are experiencing painful sex so they can take a proper history/ do examination if needed.